Parenting
How To Overcome Jealousy Of My Husband’s Solo Time
I need to share something. As a mother of a toddler and an infant, I’ve found myself envious of my husband and his ability to make time for himself.
The stage of parenting young children can feel all-consuming. My mind is constantly racing with to-do lists, from the never-ending mountains of laundry to keeping track of where my son has left his toys—because I know he’ll ask me where his misplaced dinosaur is, which I didn’t even touch—and managing ‘mommy brain.’ Sometimes, even the thought of stealing a moment for myself feels out of reach, and I often feel guilty about it.
While it’s easy to fall into the trap of jealousy and resentment towards my husband, I sought to change that. So, what actions did I take? I approached him for a conversation. How had he managed to find time for himself, and how could I achieve the same? My husband is a fantastic father— a millennial dad. He understands something I’ve been slow to grasp: as a busy, overstimulated parent, prioritizing his own time is essential for being an effective dad. If you’re grappling with feelings of jealousy over your partner’s free time, here are some strategies I’ve implemented to carve out my own alone time without the accompanying guilt.
I expressed my needs to my partner
Psychologist Dr. Christina Hibbert stresses that neglecting your need for alone time can lead to negative outcomes, such as “depression, anxiety, burnout, and stress.” She notes that there are also physical repercussions, including headaches and an increased susceptibility to illness, which can ultimately affect one’s overall health.
Oof—I’ve experienced many moments of guilt and missed opportunities for solitude, but why is that the case?
We receive a constant message as mothers that to be a ‘good’ mom, we must be entirely selfless. This notion is something I intermittently battle, but I’ve realized that I don’t need to lose myself to ensure I’m a good mother to my children. It’s a misleading narrative for moms.
The best thing I could do was have an open discussion with my husband about my feelings. Amidst the chaos of toddler meltdowns and parenting duties, we remind each other that we are a unified team. This means vocalizing our needs for support—and in this instance, I required his encouragement to remember that taking a break, even briefly, is beneficial for my mental health.
Finding free time without guilt
If you’re like me and require a structured approach to get things done, starting small can be effective. When I find myself hurrying through mundane tasks like showering or eating, I try to slow down, especially when my partner is available to share the load. If my son insists I play with him during these moments, I remind myself that it’s perfectly fine to ask him to wait while I take a few moments for myself.
Planning solo time can also be beneficial and provides a level of predictability. Additionally, it gives me something to look forward to. My husband and I maintain a shared calendar. Whenever I need a few hours for myself, such as for a night out with friends, I write it down so we can both prepare our schedules accordingly, including syncing up bath and dinner times.
Embracing and owning my personal time
I need to admit that relinquishing control is a challenge for me, yet it has proven to be one of the most beneficial decisions for both me and my husband. The way I handle bath time differs from my husband’s approach, and that’s perfectly acceptable. Ultimately, we both agree that our children are clean at the end of the day.
My ability to let go has allowed him to feel more confident in his parenting role because I’m not constantly hovering to ensure everything is done ‘my way.’ He has the opportunity to establish his own routine with the kids, while I can step away without fretting about whether everything will be okay. As a result, I can genuinely enjoy my personal time.
Taking breaks makes me a better mother
It’s a misconception that to be a ‘good’ mother, I must be self-sacrificing. Reinforcing my need for time apart from my family does not reflect selfishness. Allocating this time allows me to be more focused with my family and genuinely relish our moments together upon my return. As highlighted by the Mayo Clinic, “small acts of self-care or self-kindness can greatly diminish feelings of exhaustion, burnout, stress, and even depression frequently experienced by busy mothers.”
My approach to self-care varies day by day. Some days I focus on reading, catching up on sleep (my favorite), exercising, or listening to a beloved podcast. Getting fresh air or taking a 15-minute walk also quickly boosts my mood.
It’s important for my children to observe that I take time for myself as well. I frequently tell my son to take a short break when he struggles with a puzzle before returning to it. The same principle applies to me. By setting an example and showing him that I practice self-care, I demonstrate my own humanity.
Making myself a priority
Allowing myself alone time and committing to it is a valuable investment. It didn’t come easily at first, and prioritizing myself requires ongoing practice. I’m still working on it. I take it step by step if necessary. Overall, I find myself less irritable, more engaged with family, and feeling renewed and joyful.
And lastly—I’ve moved past my jealousy of my husband’s free time. How do you carve out personal time for yourself, or how do you plan to in the future?
