Navigating Mental Burden And Embracing Collaboration

The mental burden is this unending cycle of prompts and responsibilities. It encapsulates all the “behind-the-scenes” efforts that fuel my family and keep everything functioning (smoothly or otherwise). And it’s tiring. But how can I more effectively share this mental burden, and… am I at fault for it? I ponder whether I’ve created an environment where I unwittingly heap more emotional effort onto myself due to a fear of what might occur if I don’t “manage it all.”

Why do I bear the mental burden?

There’s a widely-shared TikTok where a woman hears a voice urging her to “stop trying to do everything.” She retorts, “Then who the heck is going to do it?”

The suggested answer is that she will end up doing it all—that no one else could possibly fulfill the myriad tasks associated with the “everything” being discussed. I’ve frequently experienced the same sentiment, that “everything” is solely my responsibility to resolve. After viewing the video, I felt empowered and understood. Finally, someone who resonates with how I feel on a regular basis! But then I began to reflect. Why is it that I feel compelled to accomplish everything?

There are nearly 1,300 responses to her post from other women expressing similar feelings, and studies have consistently shown that women bear a greater share of both the practical and mental responsibilities at home.

Allison Daminger, holding a Ph.D. from Harvard in Sociology and Social Policy, has investigated the idea of household cognitive labor as part of her studies. She categorizes decision-making into four components: anticipating, identifying, deciding, and monitoring. Women are much more inclined to foresee that something requires attention and are also more likely to do the monitoring, meaning all the follow-up that must occur after a decision is made.

“Women are much more likely to foresee that something needs to be accomplished and far more likely to monitor, aka all of the follow-through that must occur after a decision is finalized.”

Still, I question whether I am making too broad an assumption that if I don’t take care of everything, it genuinely won’t get done. Will the repercussions of neglecting those tasks be so catastrophic that I cannot afford to allow my partner the opportunity to share the load? Do I think my partner wouldn’t complete the task the “correct” way and that I would end up redoing it?

It’s likely a combination of all those factors. I’ve convinced myself that I am the essential linchpin keeping my family functioning, and as a result, I have taken on more than my fair share of the mental load.

I’ve also persuaded myself that “everything” absolutely must be accomplished… or else. I’m unsure what the “or else” is, but it’s distressing enough that I find myself constantly running through my mental checklist, ensuring I haven’t overlooked anything.

The mental burden is a deeply entrenched mindset

The issue is that it’s challenging to untangle this mentality. I have so completely convinced myself that there will be severe repercussions if I don’t ensure everything is accomplished that even when an opportunity arises that would ease my mental load, I struggle to relinquish control.

Recently, my spouse volunteered to create our meal plan and grocery list for the week. Typically, that’s a responsibility I handle, but he offered to take it on. As I enjoyed my coffee, I savored the fact that I didn’t have to mentally calculate how many meals I needed to plan, ponder what random ingredients we might utilize from the pantry, or recall which foods my daughters had deemed inedible the week before despite having enjoyed them prior.

That moment of peace quickly dissipated. I became anxious, questioning whether my husband would think of all these details or if he’d complete the grocery list in time before ballet since my eldest daughter and I always shop after ballet. My mind began to race with assumptions about how things might unfold.

So I went ahead and made the grocery list.

Recognizing it’s difficult for me to relinquish control

My spouse had offered to lift the mental burden and work of that task from me, and I intentionally placed it back on my shoulders due to the perceived effects of not executing it in a specific manner. Heaven forbid we end up with an extra box of pasta or black beans in our pantry, particularly since it would have saved me time.

That’s merely one instance, but once I began to reflect, I realized I impose the mental burden on myself constantly. Starting the laundry, finding a babysitter for date night, picking up cards for birthdays, checking our freezer before compiling a grocery list.

It’s not that my spouse is oblivious to the tasks that need doing or that he isn’t a willing participant. I’ve merely developed a habit of assuming that the universe will cease to function if I don’t perform those tasks and do them a specific way.

That’s a significant issue because adhering to that mindset generates more work for me. It’s problematic because the longer I strive to “do it all,” the more I reinforce to those around me that it’s my responsibility to handle everything. It’s less likely that my spouse will intervene if I’m continually taking care of the tasks or, worse, commandeering them when he attempts to contribute. I’ve unintentionally fostered a labor imbalance that will be difficult to amend.

How can I adjust the balance and share the mental burden?

But if I don’t “do it all,” who the heck IS going to handle it? That’s a valid question. And what occurs if no one steps in? That’s also a pertinent question.

I’m still attempting to decipher it, but one realization I’m beginning to gather is that while there can be repercussions for tasks left uncompleted, those repercussions are likely minor or irritating, not catastrophic.

If I don’t meal plan for the week? It might lead to a late-night grocery run or additional money spent on takeout, but we won’t go hungry. If the trash doesn’t get taken out one week? It’s inconvenient since we might need to locate a dumpster if the trash piles up, but there are no substantial repercussions. If the laundry remains undone? My daughter may throw a fit because her favorite pink sparkly dress is dirty, but there will be something else she can wear.

Failing to “do it all” might be the best demonstration to myself that life will go on. Having both my partner and me face any consequences might also serve as a potent reminder of the mental burden I carry and spark a conversation about workload and household obligations.

Considering abandoning my all-or-nothing mindset is intimidating, yet I’m weary of the mental load I’ve imposed on myself with this perspective. The most significant risk is that genuinely important matters may not be addressed promptly, but the most rewarding outcome could be the redistribution of the mental load. And that’s entirely worth a few delayed dentist appointments or overflowing trash bins.