Honest Reactions From Parents When You Ask For Childcare

My friend’s mother resides directly beside her. I mean, honestly, directly beside. Some may consider living next door a bit too close, yet for a parent with young children (assuming you and your mom have a good relationship), I believe this arrangement seems extremely beneficial—your desired “community” just steps away. However, there’s a twist: this friend also has two siblings with children, which means they have to share their mom (also known as “Grandma”).

A discussion with this friend prompted me to contemplate the various complexities of #grandparentlife. I recalled instances when my mother-in-law required a break after caring for my two children while my husband and I took our own holiday. I know my mom starts taking vitamins in the days leading up to a visit because sickly children can make grandparents very ill. I’ve heard complaints from friends regarding their siblings who don’t comprehend the extent of their request when asking their 70-year-old parents to supervise multiple young grandchildren for several days.

We chose to survey our own personal grandparent-networks and our audience to determine their true feelings when they are requested to look after their grandchildren—and we gathered hundreds of responses!

We received insights from a range of grandparents—from those living under the same roof as their grandchildren to those who need to board a plane and travel across the nation. Some care for their grandchildren daily, others monthly, while some merely wish they could, whether it be due to full-time jobs, distance, or simply not being asked. Most had between one and four grandchildren, while others reported having over ten. Here are some of the themes we uncovered from The Everygrandparents.

They Are Thrilled and Eager To Be Asked

When inquired about their feelings regarding being asked to watch their grandchildren, an overwhelming number of grandparents expressed feelings of excitement, happiness, and affection. Naturally, a few also mentioned feelings of fatigue, conflict, and stress, but I believe we can all relate to those sentiments, knowing full well how demanding babies and children can be. Moreover, the majority of grandparents either wished to spend more time with their grandchildren or felt that the timing was just perfect.

They Always Aim to Be Equitable When Dividing Their Time

When asked whether grandparents encountered conflicts among their adult children concerning watching various groups of grandchildren, most grandparents appeared to have decent communication with their grown children. Many had established rules and limits but recognized that exceptions and disagreements can arise. Much like my friend and her sisters, maintaining strong communication among siblings is crucial to avoid overwhelming their parents with disputes between their own kids.

“Sometimes, I’m asked to watch multiple kids on the same day. I treat it on a first-come, first-serve basis. If one sibling has alternative childcare arrangements and the other does not, the sibling without options gets priority.”

“We aim to accommodate the needs of each family as they arise. Ideally, it balances out so there aren’t any bitter feelings.”

“It’s challenging when asked with little notice (like on a snow day). Additionally, it’s difficult to balance time and babysitting duties between my two children’s kids. Conflicts sometimes occur when they request the same day.”

They Desire to Feel Valued and Trusted

Numerous grandparents expressed feeling privileged to be asked to care for their grandchildren, but it’s crucial for us children to remember to show appreciation for our parents and not take them for granted. Moreover, it serves as a reminder that we all turned out alright (excluding any severe issues you might have with your parents or in-laws) and they likely did a satisfactory job. Additionally, it’s beneficial to be accommodating and recognize their particular circumstances, whether related to their age or their familiarity with your home, locale, children’s routines, etc. Grandparents also lead their own lives.

“I raised four kids, and they thrived, but I had more stamina back then.”

“Even though I love it, it’s hard work and exhausting. I’m willing to do anything for my children and grandchildren, but I don’t want to feel unappreciated—it’s important to me that they acknowledge my assistance.”

“Don’t overextend requests or take us for granted. We adore our grandkids but may not always enjoy babysitting them. That’s a fair sentiment and should be respected.”

“Recognize my experience in raising two of my own. Allow me some autonomy with them, please don’t micromanage excessively.”

“I cherish one-on-one moments because I get to be the one to hug him, put him to rest, etc. When his mother is around, he usually favors her. These special moments have allowed us to bond much closer!”

“I’ll likely be more vigilant and care for them better than I did my own kids, LOL.”

“Know that I love them and would never place them in a perilous situation.”

“I would prefer to babysit them at my house rather than only at theirs.” (This suggestion was frequently mentioned!)

“Some traditional methods still hold value.”

They Do Recall What It’s Like

Many grandparents conveyed their enjoyment in providing their adult children a respite from parenting because they recall how challenging it was. Embrace their generosity!

“Relax and have a bit of fun. The kids are safe and comfortable. Stay out longer than you did as a teenager.”

“I’m head over heels in love with each of them. I’m here for you and absolutely enjoy it when you call upon me and require my support. Parenting is draining; we cherish the opportunity to step in and provide you with relief.”

“I would be delighted to watch my grandson so his parents can enjoy a date night or time out with friends. I appreciated the help my mom provided and wish to extend that same relief to my daughter. My husband and I treasure our moments with our grandson.”

They Are More Present Than We Are

Many grandparents reflected on how swiftly time passed while watching their own children grow. As grandparents, they seem to slow down and appreciate the little moments in life. “Creating memories” was repeatedly cited as the activity that brings them the most joy while spending time with their grandchildren. They also delight in witnessing how their grandchildren mirror their own children while still marveling at how each child develops their own distinct personality. Additionally, many offered strong recommendations regarding screen time for the grandkids (and their adult children’s habits).

“As a caregiver, you are often preoccupied with instructing and being a child’s everything, causing you to overlook the tiny moments. As a grandparent, you have the opportunity to relish those little moments, and they are truly breathtaking and inspiring.”