Insights For Parents On Understanding And Addressing Kid Bullying

Bullying continues to be a significant issue in parenting and within our society. It’s something we hope to avoid discussing, but this doesn’t imply we should completely shut ourselves off from it. The truth is that bullying stands as one of the most pressing childhood problems affecting young people in this nation—and as evidenced by current events in politics and entertainment, it doesn’t necessarily cease with children.

As guardians, we often fret and experience anxiety over our children’s happiness. However, as they grow older, we come to understand that a large portion of their experiences lies beyond our influence. Once they commence schooling, we are unable to select their classmates or companions, we cannot arrange their social circles like we did in infancy, and we cannot shield them from every instance of hurt or distress (though we certainly strive to do so).

When circumstances escalate and intervention becomes crucial, it is essential to know how to respond and what indicators to observe in order to ensure our children’s safety. To gather insights on bullying and the role we play as parents, we consulted three specialists in this domain—continue reading for their recommendations concerning children and bullying.

What constitutes bullying?

Bullying is broadly perceived as any action intended to deliberately harm another individual. This may encompass:

• Verbal abuse: mocking, threatening, and name-calling (this may also cover cyberbullying/online harassment)
• Physical violence: striking, kicking, biting, and property damage
• Social ostracism: deliberately excluding a child from a larger group

Bullying frequently begins during the pre-teen years, yet recent findings indicate that it is making its way down to even the youngest children. The effects of bullying can be profound on young children, leading to diminished academic performance, low self-worth, anxiety, and even depressive states.

What should parents keep an eye out for?

Some young children candidly inform their parents when they are being bullied or when someone is troubling them at school, observes Dr. Beatrice Tauber Prior, Psy.D., clinical psychologist at Harborside Wellbeing, a private practice in North Carolina. “If they don’t approach you, which many do not, there are signals that suggest something is amiss at school or elsewhere.”

Young children generally convey their distress through changes in behavior, noted Dr. Prior, particularly in their sleep and eating habits. “They may appear more irritable or restless, displaying a tumultuous spectrum of emotions,” Dr. Prior elaborated. One minute may seem alright, and the next, they could react with anger or outbursts to minor annoyances.

“Young children generally convey their distress through changes in behavior, often reflected in their sleeping and eating habits.”

Their appetite may fluctuate as well. Some children may eat less when subjected to bullying, while others may indulge excessively, Dr. Prior stated. “Lastly,” she noted, “it is not uncommon for the tension from bullying to manifest during a child’s sleep. Your child may experience nightmares with increased frequency.”

Christy Doering, MSSW, LCSW, a licensed therapist at Sage Counseling in Dallas, Texas, points out that many children feel immense shame regarding being bullied, leading them to conceal their experiences or pretend that everything is fine.

“If you aren’t gathering much insight when you pose open-ended questions about school,” she advised, “dig a bit deeper.” Who do they sit with during lunch? What events transpired at recess? Is there anyone who disturbs them, or someone they particularly enjoy? “Especially with young children, engaging in discussions during bedtime can yield a wealth of conversation because they tend to use this time to prolong bedtime,” Doering explained.

Bullying can, undeniably, manifest in physical ways as well. A child might complain of stomachaches or headaches before arriving at a playdate, daycare, or preschool, according to Ruby Velasco, M.S., MFT, a marriage and family therapist and mental health expert in California. “They might also present with unexplained bruises,” stated Velasco. While minor bumps and scrapes are common among active little ones, she cautioned that if your child appears to have an unusual number of injuries or “forgets” how they got hurt, it may warrant further investigation.

Additionally, observe whether your child shows a lack of interest in social gatherings, school days, or playdates that they previously found enjoyable. Expressing a desire to remain home is a typical method of evasion from an undesirable situation.

How can guardians react if their child reveals they’re being bullied?

“First, express gratitude that your child has approached you to share what they are experiencing,” stated Dr. Prior.

Take a pause

“Pause and listen before reacting,” Dr. Prior stressed, “It’s essential to be aware of your own reactions while you listen to your child because your child is likely to reflect your emotions.” If you react with frustration, impatience, or unease, your child will likewise respond through frustration, impatience, or unease.

Hear them out

Hear your child out and reassure them that you believe their experience and that you will collaborate to seek a resolution. As a parent, it is vital to communicate that they are not alone in this situation and that you will work alongside them to combat the bullying.

Recognize yourself as a safe haven

It’s crucial for your child to feel that they can find a secure haven in you. “I urge parents to assure their child that they do not deserve what is happening and that together, you can devise a strategy on how to address the situation,” Velasco shared with us. Be ready to listen without passing judgment and offer a secure, supportive environment for your child to process their emotions.

Pose clear questions

“Next, ask straightforward questions, like how long the bullying has been occurring, who is involved, and what actions have already been taken,” Velasco suggested. By first listening to your child and then engaging with them, you encourage them to express themselves. Thank them for confiding in you and reassure them that they are not alone and that you are there to assist.

Inquire about your child’s preferences for action

Following that, you should ask them how they wish to proceed. “Allow them to develop their problem-solving skills,” Doering remarked, “as this empowers them.” Assist them in exploring potential solutions, and offer to help when necessary, particularly when communicating with teachers or school officials. If you are concerned about significant harm to their emotional or physical health, contacting the school (or authorities, depending on the nature of the threats or actions) may be essential from the outset.

Children might not be ready to openly share their feelings right away, and that’s completely fine, Velasco elaborated. They may be confronting their insecurities and could feel scared, angry, or even sorrowful.

“Children might not feel ready to share immediately, and that’s acceptable. They may be wrestling with insecurities and could experience fear, anger, or sadness.”

“As a listening parent, it’s vital to gain as much understanding of the situation as possible before shedding light on their circumstances,” Velasco explained. You are teaching them to endure their emotions, a crucial life skill, as noted by Doering. This can be notably challenging for many parents, yet it is of utmost importance.

What are the most effective next steps if you suspect your child is being bullied?

Convey to your child the importance of not keeping the bullying confidential. “Discuss with your child how vital it is to inform a teacher or trusted adult within the community so that all adults (parent, teacher, school officials) can help ensure the safety of all children and protect them from bullying,” Dr. Prior encouraged. Your child might want to confront the bully independently, or they might desire your involvement in stopping the behavior. “In either case, it is crucial to formulate a plan to assist your child if the bullying persists,” Dr. Prior added.

It’s also essential that all forms of communication with teachers/school/other parents are approached with kindness and empathy. Although emotions may be heightened after your conversation with your child, this isn’t the moment to send an irate email to anyone.

“Typically, I don’t advise contacting the other child’s parents, as this can escalate the situation,” Doering mentioned. Begin by speaking with the classroom teacher, asking for information and presenting your concerns calmly. “If there’s no improvement, you can escalate matters to the school counselor and beyond, but be clear about what you expect to happen. If they don’t propose solutions, you may need to suggest them,” Doering summarized.

Most educational institutions have policies in place, and every child deserves to feel secure. “Reassure your child with a motto like ‘all children are entitled to feel safe,’” Velasco recommended. “Throughout this process, I also encourage parents to acknowledge their child’s bravery in disclosing what is happening in their lives.”

Reporting is not the same as tattling, and often, it’s appropriate to speak up. Assure them that sharing their feelings with you is safe, and convey that you are in this journey together, committed to providing all the assistance you can.