Simple Tips To Support Children Through Loss And Difficult Conversations

A companion once shared with me, “If you wish to educate your children about death, just view a Disney film.” She was correct. My daughter was only 4 when she first inquired about passing away. We’d just finished watching The Lion King, and even though she had seen Frozen and Cinderella, the idea of death didn’t resonate with her until she encountered the elephant graveyard alongside Mufasa’s passing. Shortly afterwards, she began linking death with our senior dog and started posing numerous questions about what unfolds after we die.

My partner and I were not in any way ready for these difficult discussions with our child, yet she fixated on it so intensely that it compelled us to reach out to her pediatrician. Like many concerns in parenting, her inquiries were well within the realm of “normal, especially for her age.” As reported by The New York Times, around the age of 4, children can comprehend these four aspects concerning death: non-functionality (the body ceases to function), universality (all living entities eventually die), irreversibility (once someone dies, they cannot return), and inevitability (death is unavoidable). I wished for my children to experience a real-world lesson on these concepts the same way I did: a pet goldfish going down the toilet. However, life doesn’t always unfold as planned.

A phone call on a Monday during work pushed me into this harsh reality as I listened in shock: my father had experienced a heart attack. It was abrupt, unforeseen, and it claimed his life. Disbelief and sorrow settled deep within me as I realized I had only a few hours before our two daughters were scheduled to be picked up from daycare.

“What should I tell them?” I pondered. “They are so young; should we inform them at all?” A myriad of questions flooded my mind while attempting to process my own profound grief, compounded by the sadness of their loss as well. Since our instinct is to shield our children, it is challenging to determine the appropriate actions or words. Thanks to the internet, my husband unearthed a useful article on Psychology Today that advised parents to tell children the truth and use the actual term “died.”

And so we did. Upon my girls’ return, I took my 6-year-old and 3-year-old by their hands, seated them on the couch, and shared the very sad news: their papa had died. My 6-year-old broke down. We embraced and wept together. Meanwhile, my 3-year-old appeared to be bewildered.

Then came a barrage of questions. “How did he die?” (His heart stopped beating.) “Couldn’t a hospital assist him?” (Courageous individuals nearby and medical professionals endeavored to help him, but they could not.) I observed my 6-year-old’s innocence fade with the new realization that terrible events can happen to those we cherish. Regardless of how fervently we pray and prepare, life is unpredictable.

We are still in the early stages of mourning, and we by no means have navigated it all. However, through reading articles, drawing from experience, and seeking professional advice, here are a few responses to common questions designed to aid parents and children throughout the challenging journey of grief and loss.

How do I inform my child that someone is dying or has died?

The age of the child and the context of the loved one’s death greatly influence the most suitable way to communicate with them. Children younger than 3 do not grasp the permanence of death and are unlikely to comprehend what you are conveying (I observed this with my own 3-year-old’s reaction.) For children over 3, the prevailing guidance in articles and from experts is to be truthful, present the facts, and utilize the terms “dying” or “dead.”

It can be incredibly tempting to use gentler phrases such as “Grandpa is gone,” “passed away,” or “is sleeping.” In their minds, when people are gone, they will return. When individuals are sleeping, they will awaken. Since children take much of what we convey literally, utilizing softer language or metaphors can lead to confusion, or worse, can induce anxiety in children. For instance, in an effort to be comforting, an adult might state, “Grandpa is always watching over you.” This could inadvertently link their grandfather to ghosts or other ideas that seem frightening.

Should I bring my child to a funeral or memorial service?

We struggled with this choice as well and ultimately decided to take our 6-year-old while leaving our younger daughter with a caregiver. Even as we arrived in the parking lot for the service, I still questioned whether we were making the right decision.

Sorensen frequently offers this guidance to her clients: if developmentally, a child cannot comprehend death, the ceremonies may not be the most suitable setting for them. Although a highly intelligent child may be able to logically understand death, they may not be emotionally equipped for the ramifications. However, if the loss is substantial—such as that of a parent or sibling—situations might differ.

Moreover, Sorensen (as well as our daughter’s kindergarten teacher) emphasized the necessity of maintaining children’s routines. “As adults, society expects us to take time off to arrange services and grieve,” Sorensen mentioned. “But for children, keeping them in their regular routines as much as possible helps them feel secure.”

Ultimately, we were grateful for our choice to take our 6-year-old to my father’s funeral. Especially now that I cherish the memory of her voice asking in wonder, “Are all these people here for Papa?” Mister Rogers, who I regularly…reference for parental advice, emphasized that kids can understand and grapple with complex subjects if we allow them the space to do so. I’m thankful we provided her that opportunity.

Should I maintain a brave front for my kids during mourning?

Let’s be honest, children are accustomed to tears. Crying is likely the most frequent means through which they convey intense feelings. Allowing kids to witness your tears grants them the freedom to express their own emotions. Grief is an inevitable part of life, so even if you attempt to postpone your own feelings for the sake of your children, those emotions will eventually resurface. By being open and demonstrating to your kids that it is fine to express feelings, you may help lay the groundwork for their own healthy emotional expression in the times ahead.

However, there are moments when the burden of grief can feel overwhelming. Initially, I found myself shutting others out. This is also a natural response, yet during these times, our children require us more than at any other moment. I soon realized that I needed them as well. Embraces are therapeutic, and hearing them share their own recollections encouraged me to open up about mine.

Will my children recall my loved one who passed away?

This concern weighs heavily on my mind as my dad’s passing becomes part of our family narrative. It brings solace to know that memories and affection endure, but I can’t help but grieve over the future experiences that will never materialize. One of my greatest apprehensions is that my youngest daughter may not remember my dad at all, despite their extraordinary bond.

Continuing to narrate stories about your loved one and encouraging friends and family to share their memories can help keep their spirit alive. For younger kids, personalized photo books (or custom board books for infants) can reinforce the significance that person held in their lives. My husband created a custom photo puzzle for each grandchild, as my dad cherished spending time on the floor solving puzzles with them. For older children, you might engage them in creating a special memento.

What has also surprised me is how frequently my daughters share random memories or thoughts without prompting. Just the other day, my 6-year-old inquired if we could display Papa’s picture for Dia de Los Muertos this year. She had seen the film Coco—Disney strikes again.

When should I consider obtaining further assistance for my grieving child?

No child experiences grief identically, and there is no defined timeline for it; nevertheless, Sorensen recommends seeking professional support if your child experiences a significant loss and/or displays new behaviors such as:

• Nightmares and difficulty sleeping
• Changes in appetite
• Behavioral issues
• Developing an obsession with death and dying that persists for months after the event

You can also consult other adults involved in the child’s life—teachers, coaches, caregivers—if they have observed any unusual behaviors.

“Similar to adults, unexpected triggers can emerge for children that remind them of the person who passed,” remarks Ele’s Place, a center for healing for children and teens. “Younger children may even find it challenging to articulate how or why they feel the way they do.” Numerous resources are available to assist kids (and parents) in navigating one of life’s most challenging journeys. No one should feel that they are traversing it alone.