Strategies For Dealing With A Challenging Mother-in-Law

Perhaps strong dislike is a more appropriate term. Disfavor is a more accurate representation. The fundamental truth is that I harbor aversion towards my mother-in-law. Let me present a scenario for you. During the occasion when my husband introduced me to his mother to announce our engagement, she extensively praised his ex-wife. Now, don’t misunderstand me, I do not doubt that my husband’s ex was an extraordinary individual (given her endurance of my husband), but discussing her in my presence during an event meant for discussing our marriage was impolite and upsetting.

I’ve earnestly attempted to bear in mind that my mother-in-law hails from a different era. My husband and I have a substantial age difference, so my mother-in-law is sufficiently old to be my grandmother. Moreover, she originates from a distinct culture where our viewpoints do not always align. The reality that I am my husband’s second spouse doesn’t aid the situation since in her perspective, his first spouse will forever hold that status. I have genuinely attempted to comprehend the challenges my mother-in-law has faced in her life, although a significant part of it stems from her own decisions. She appears to be her greatest adversary. Despite having a thriving and affectionate family with offspring, grandchildren, an exquisite residence, etc., she remains discontent and directs that dissatisfaction towards those around her, including her son.

Reaching a Breaking Point With My Mother-in-Law

My mother-in-law has made concerted efforts to make me feel inadequate and diminished the significance of my daughter being her grandchild. For me, this was the tipping point. I scarcely communicate with her now. Yet, I comprehend that my husband sees things from a different perspective. To him, she will forever remain his mother, hence, he occasionally calls and pays visits. As for me, my interactions with her are exceedingly limited except for rare visits. She seldom initiates contact, and when she does, she scarcely inquires about our family.

During our encounters, I maintain politeness but a certain aloofness. I invest just the required amount of effort without being impolite. I dispense only the essential details. Undoubtedly, I wish circumstances were different; however, I am uninterested in fostering a relationship with someone who evidently shows no interest in establishing any form of rapport with me. Recognizing that many individuals share a complex relationship with their mother-in-law, I sought counsel from an expert for guidance.

Navigating a Challenging Relationship With Your Mother-in-Law

The stereotypical image of troublesome MILs does not universally apply. “Unless your MIL is toxic to all and harbors a select fanbase, mainly comprising herself, it’s likely that she strives to be a part of your life but doesn’t understand how,” elaborates Dr. Robin Hornstein, Ph.D. “She might be emulating her own mother or seeking to deviate from her mother’s behavior.”

The initial step is to assess what modifications you are willing to make in your interactions with her to alleviate tensions. Dr. Hornstein proposes the idea of issuing an apology for a past offense she holds onto, engaging in a candid conversation, or surprising her with a gesture she appreciates. More crucially, reflect on the expectations you had regarding extended family when you committed to your partner.

Adopting empathy might assist in managing your responses to her behavior or challenges. What is at stake here? Is this causing stress for your spouse or your children who hold affection for their grandmother? For instance, if you are raising your children as vegetarians and she covertly provides them meat due to her disagreements, or you are following a divergent spiritual path which differs from the one she instilled in her children, leading to disagreements. Dr. Hornstein recommends responding with a blend of affection and setting boundaries as the optimal approach.

Ultimately, this relationship is a dynamic one, potentially offering remarkable moments—allow some time and envision her as a lasting presence in your life. This perspective validates the effort to improve the relationship, even during the moments of hurt and exasperation caused by her actions. Perhaps you could establish common ground due to the shared love for her child. Embrace curiosity and embark on a novel journey to comprehend her better. If the endeavor proves futile, at least you made an attempt. Conversely, if successful, you gain another individual to cherish.