A Complete Guide To Establish A Successful Second Marriage

Arguably, navigating a second marriage presents greater challenges than overcoming a divorce. Witnessing the breakdown of a marriage can be immensely heartbreaking. This underscores the crucial need to prepare for a prosperous second marriage prior to committing to a new partnership. The stakes are higher than ever before. Second marriages often involve more than just two optimistic individuals. Many introduce children from a previous marriage, and frequently, there are ex-spouses adapting to co-parenting.

For expert advice on fostering a successful second marriage, we turn to a highly qualified professional: Dr. Stan Tatkin, a Doctor of Psychology, Marriage and Family Therapist, pioneer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT), and acclaimed author of Wired for Love (the second edition scheduled for release in June 2024). Dr. Tatkin, with his direct and candid insights, equips couples with practical techniques for cultivating secure-functioning partnerships—a crucial element for a thriving second marriage.

If you are contemplating stepping into a new marriage, continue reading for strategies on laying a solid foundation for a successful second marriage, ways to ease the transition for children, and advice on co-parenting.

Crafting a Fulfilling Second Marriage

Causes of Marital Failures

A pivotal step in nurturing a lasting marriage is understanding the common pitfalls. Dr. Tatkin insightfuly noted that failed marriages often occur due to a lack of alignment between the individuals’ future aspirations upon entering the partnership. In essence, understanding the reasons for coming together and setting relationship goals is crucial. He emphasized, “In any other adult partnership or alliance, embarking on a monumental project like marriage without determining their purpose and vision is unheard of.”

Mismatched wishes regarding parenthood, career objectives, and personal ambitions can pave the way for conflicts. Dr. Tatkin highlighted that while emotions may initiate a marriage (e.g., feeling happy with someone), the absence of shared goals and purpose makes failure more likely. Solidified values and aspirations form a robust foundation for long-term relationships.

Tatkin also pinpointed a lack of cooperation as a reason for marital breakdown. Handling challenges independently when they arise can fuel misunderstandings. Feeling isolated and unsupported can breed resentment and lead to attempts to change partners rather than resolving issues collaboratively.

Uniqueness of Second Marriages

It is commonly assumed that individuals in second marriages learn from past mistakes. However, human beings tend to revert to familiar patterns, making it easier to replicate behaviors from a previous marriage in subsequent ones. Failing to grow can complicate the success of a second marriage, primarily due to additional complexities involved.

Dr. Tatkin introduced the concept of “mismanagement of thirds,” where external influences beyond the couple—referred to as “thirds”—may affect the relationship. Children, ex-partners, substance abuse, and professional commitments fall into this category. According to Dr. Tatkin, the marginalization of the relationship often causes second marriages to falter. Prioritizing external factors over one’s partner sets the stage for jealousy. Collaboration can address these issues effectively.

For instance, in a blended family setting, decisions may be jointly made by the biological parent and the step-parent, even if the parent is typically the primary decision-maker. This approach signifies mutual respect and openness to collaboration while ensuring the child’s stability.

Choosing the Right Life Partner

It is widely acknowledged that a relationship is more likely to thrive when the right partner is chosen. Dr. Tatkin advises beginning the partner selection process by introspection. Identifying the ideal partner involves envisioning the desirable qualities one seeks, articulated in purpose-driven statements beginning with “We.”

Sample principles include:

• We maintain complete transparency in our interactions.
• We support each other unconditionally.
• We defend and prioritize each other publicly and privately.
• We make decisions collectively after mutual agreement.

Embracing Genuine Connections

Focusing on a potential partner’s character, values, and personality, rather than solely on emotions, aids in making informed decisions. Choosing a partner based on enduring qualities ensures a sustainable relationship beyond the initial attraction phase.

Cultivating Friendship in Partnership

Although obvious, it is crucial to select a life partner whom one genuinely enjoys spending time with. Selecting a partner with whom one shares mutual respect and enjoys companionship sets a strong foundation for enduring love and connection.

Ensuring the Success of a Second Marriage

Dr. Tatkin imparts a poignant piece of wisdom: “Our union takes precedence over everything and everyone, as everyone and everything rely on our well-being and happiness.”

It could prove challenging — maybe even triggering — to ponder prioritizing a spousal relationship over certain aspects. It’s simple to assume, “Surely a job holds equal significance.” or, “My children always take precedence.” However, Dr. Tatkin questioned this notion by articulating that when we engage in a marital union with the right individual and possess shared purpose-centric ambitions and principles, the matrimony will genuinely enhance everything else in life.

So, how can we enjoy the perks of a thriving marriage? Consider these methodologies:

Establish Order

It’s unsurprising to acknowledge that communication lies at the core of a prosperous subsequent marriage. Engage in discussions and delegate the tasks that require attention. It may not be glamorous or riveting, but clarifying who will handle bill payments each month and planning meals sets the stage for a harmonious alliance. Particularly in the scenario of a step-parent/child household, deliberate upon the role the step-parent is anticipated to assume.

Beyond daily duties, we can be frank about our relationship anticipations. Perhaps we foresee having a monthly date night and an annual couple’s getaway. Regardless of the expectations, articulate them to each other and reach a consensus.

Continuously Discover More About Each Other

Despite the length of time you’ve been together, continue the courtship, as highlighted by Dr. Tatkin. Keep delving into each other’s lives, exhibit genuine interest, and maintain a sense of curiosity. Keep engaging in dates, conversations, and mutual sharing on a regular basis. It might even be constructive to schedule routine assessments with each other. These could manifest as date nights, intimate conversations before sleeping, or morning dialogues over coffee.

Nurture Fondness

If our actions are solely governed by our sentiments, it can be effortless to disregard displays of affection when affectionate feelings are not particularly strong. Nevertheless, with Dr. Tatkin’s purpose-oriented principles in mind, we are reminded that sometimes we must transcend our emotions to prioritize our partner. This might necessitate purposeful gestures like a deliberate kiss goodbye, tidying up the house without reminders, or fetching a surprise gift for our partner on the way back home. By purposefully expressing affection, romance, and admiration, we can invigorate our partner and ourselves.

Fulfill Your Promises

An integral aspect of triumph is honoring our commitments. All the agreements we made during the organization phase now necessitate execution. We ought to act deliberately and follow through on our promises, even on days when we lack the inclination. If a monthly date night was settled upon, that standing engagement warrants prioritization.

As stated by Dr. Tatkin, “If I commit to the purpose-oriented principle of dispensing love and affection throughout each day, I must uphold it even in moments of discontent.” Demonstrating the capacity to set aside our ego and humble ourselves to adhere to our obligations to our spouse, even when it presents challenges, establishes a foundation for feelings of security and elation.

Maintain Connection

Dr. Tatkin proposed the notion of being tethered to a partner — envision the invisible link Taylor Swift affectionately croons about. It conveys the idea that although physically apart, partners remain perpetually linked. For many individuals, maintaining constant communication is unrealistic — and perhaps undesired. Instead of an unceasing stream of text messages, regard it as granting your partner access to a facet of yourself not accessible to everyone. We pledge unwavering support, aid them in navigating obstacles, and serve as their most fervent supporter and advocate. In essence, we are not always in direct communication when apart. Rather, we continuously impart a sense of reassurance that, ideally, we solely give and receive from our spouse.

This could involve sending an encouraging text message when aware of your partner facing a significant day. Perhaps acquiring their preferred delicacy on the journey home from work just out of thoughtfulness. Or maybe aiding them in deliberating over a challenging decision. These seemingly simple gestures demonstrate that amidst life’s peaks and valleys, they perpetually have someone in their corner, and the things crucial to them also hold significance to us.

Guidelines for Easing the Transition for Children

While venturing into a fresh relationship can be exhilarating, the adjustment can prove arduous for children. Thankfully, there are approaches to facilitate the transition for kids when embarking on a second marriage.

Per studies, here are some measures parents can adopt to ameliorate the transition for children:

Acknowledge Their Sentiments

A myriad of emotions may surface when children witness their parents remarry. There could be sorrow over the dissolution of the original family structure or resentment at having to divide their time between parents. A fragment of them may feel enthused to see their parents in a contented new place. It is probable they will experience an amalgamation of emotions. Irrespective of their individual sentiments, we can acknowledge them and demonstrate patience as they acclimate to a new norm.

Steer Clear of Surprises

The optimal approach to guarantee a seamless adjustment is to afford the requisite time for it. This entails, whenever viable, refraining from impulsive decisions or abrupt alterations. When introducing a new partner into the equation, it is prudent to do so gradually instead of hastily blending everyone together. Furnishing children with this time to digest all the transformations transpiring is an action they will likely appreciate in the future.

Engage in Dialogue

Patiently handling the situation doesn’t solely mean leaving children to their devices. Research evinces that we should provide children with a secure space to articulate their emotions. Instead of incessantly attempting to persuade them to embrace a second marriage, we should adopt the role of attentive listeners. By being receptive to their thoughts, sentiments, and emotions, it reassures them that their viewpoints still hold weight.

When our turn comes to express ourselves, we can proffer reassurance. This assurance may manifest as a declaration that despite the forthcoming changes, our affection for them remains unwavering. We can solicit their input on how the new family unit should be structured and even inquire about measures that would facilitate their adjustment.

Comprehend They Might Not Embrace a Step-Parent Instantly

When we are entirely engrossed in a burgeoning romantic relationship, it can be disheartening if those nearest to us are not fully supportive. However, when it comes to children accepting a new partner, it’s crucial to grasp that their acceptance (or lack thereof) might not be directly linked to the new partner. Witnessing their parents navigate a divorce and subsequently embark on a new relationship is a form of change no child volitionally seeks. Understand that they will necessitate time to adjust to the novel lifestyle and possibly even longer to welcome a new parental figure.

Reign in Any Guilt

This could potentially be the most intricate step of all, as it’s effortless to succumb to feelings of guilt about subjecting a child to a divorce. Nevertheless, Dr. Tatkin divulged that permitting our guilt over not shielding our children from loss and grief to intensify can spawn an array of other issues. When guilt overwhelms us, it becomes tempting to accede to every whim of the children. This can lead to consequences such as entitlement and animosity towards the step-parent. By consistently including a partner in conversations and ensuring transparency about expectations, we can work towards a marriage that is fulfilling for both partners.

When the bus isn’t given priority, establishing a successful relationship can prove challenging.

Suggestions for Building a Strong Relationship Between Step-Parents and Children

In an ideal scenario, our children and partners would instantly become inseparable allies upon first meeting. However, this is rarely the case, and forging that bond will require time. Nevertheless, there are strategies to nurture this relationship. Consider the following approaches.

Recognize the Step-Parent’s Initially Outsider Status

It all boils down to acknowledging that for kids, this can be an emotional period. According to Dr. Tatkin, new step-parents are frequently perceived as outsiders by children and, at times, as a threat that disrupts their family dynamics. Understanding the intense emotions children may be grappling with should encourage step-parents to exercise patience in fostering a connection.

Refrain from Imposing Discipline

Given that children often view step-parents as outsiders, any disciplinary actions should primarily be carried out by their biological parent—at least initially. Otherwise, this could widen the gap between the child and step-parent. Nevertheless, this doesn’t mean the biological parent cannot seek the step-parent’s input when making disciplinary decisions. Dr. Tatkin even suggests that the couple collaboratively make such decisions as a team. However, it is the responsibility of the biological parent, not the step-parent, to enforce any discipline.

Act Authentically

When striving to establish a bond, step-parents should bear in mind the significance of genuineness in their interactions. According to Dr. Tatkin, step-parents should approach this process akin to a “courtship.” It’s crucial to be authentic without being overbearing—resist the urge to rush the relationship. Instead, display a sincere interest in getting to know the child. Be approachable and inquisitive.

Familiarize Yourself with Them

In line with fostering curiosity, it would be beneficial to begin acquainting yourself with the child even before residing together, if feasible. Perhaps this entails picking them up from activities or aiding them with their schoolwork. Going a step further by engaging in simple activities together, like working on a project or going for a stroll, can help. Gradually easing into the relationship in subtle ways, instead of forcing it, is likely to encourage the child to progressively open up.

Strategies for Co-Parenting with a New Partner

Unsurprisingly, co-parenting can be intricate, and mismanagement early on can escalate tensions swiftly. Introducing a new partner into the equation can evoke a myriad of emotions for all parties involved. To streamline the process, here are some actionable steps to consider:

Stay Unified as a Couple

Following Dr. Tatkin’s approach, the ex-spouse now becomes the “third” entity within the couple’s union. Collaborating effectively in managing tasks, particularly in “parenting,” is essential. Rely on your partner for making decisions and offering support. Maintaining transparent communication at all times is key. There should be no secrets between partners, and any new information should be discussed jointly.

Communicate with the Ex-Spouse

Parents should have a say in who enters their child’s life, even if it entails engaging in uncomfortable conversations. Openly discuss the new relationship with the ex-spouse and address any concerns they raise. Consider their preferences regarding the level of involvement the new partner should have with the child (especially before the relationship becomes serious), the extent of communication they desire with the new partner, and any boundaries they wish to establish.